5 Behaviors that Could Sabotage your Budding Relationship[EXPERT]

ProConnect Subscribe to Experts Blog By Julianne Cantarella posted Jan 13th 2012 12:44PM
Newly Dating? Uncover 5 patterns of behavior that could sabotage your goal of finding love.
As a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and former therapist my job is to help clients uncover patterns of behavior that sabotage their goal of finding love. My specialty is preparing Singles over 40 to return to the dating world, date more mindfully, and gain the highest level of results in their dating lives. Having worked as a Dating Coach and Matchmaker since 2005, I have seen recurring themes in my clients that have sabotaged budding relationships. Here are the five biggest pitfalls I have noticed. I hope you keep them in mind so that you can be more mindful in your dating approach and be rewarded with the relationship you desire and deserve!
5 Behaviors to AVOID:
1) Believing that your date is your soul mate from first contact. We all want to believe in love at first sight, however, I would caution you to take dating slowly and allow your relationship to grow and develop naturally. You’ll only set yourself up for heartache if you believe you have connected with your soul mate after a few successful phone calls or your first few dates. The emotional component involved in the idea of a soul mate is enticing, but finding a few similarities in your lives is not enough foundation for a relationship. Be mindful a healthy relationship needs to be cultivated for it to flourish and grow.
2) Accepting anything about your date that does not match with your morals, values or vision of a relationship. If you find yourself questioning the morals, values (and possibly behavior) of your date, there is a high probability you are not a match. I would encourage you to evaluate your morals and values so that you are clear about what you want when it comes to your perspective match. I have seen clients so eager to form a relationship that they are willing to “settle” for someone who doesn’t share the same morals and values. Instead they create a fantasy, ignoring the differences. Don’t be fooled into believing “opposites attract”. That only holds true for interests, not for morals, values and vision of a relationship.
3) Becoming overly eager to push the relationship forward to gain a commitment regardless of where your partner is emotionally. When I first started out as a Dating Coach I would often find my clients engaging in this type of behavior. After a few of these experiences I came to realize why many of my clients were overly eager to “close the deal.” Most if not all of these clients came from long-term monogamous relationships and they wanted to get right back into that comfort zone. “Dating around” (not to be confused with sleeping around) is uncomfortable for many, but it’s a means to an end. If you focus your efforts on closing the deal, you might be distracted and miss possible red flags. Worse yet, you may scare your potential match away. Take things slowly and allow your relationship to develop naturally without being forced.
Dating Coach, Matchmaker, Relationship Coach, Social Worker, Speaker/Presenter
Julianne Cantarella, MSW, LSW is owner of The Courtship Coach a Boutique Date Coaching Company that prepares Singles over 40 return to dating OR date more mindfully to gain the highest level of results. When Coaching Julianne works one on one with her clients to help them identify the areas they struggle with both internally and externally and create a plan for positive change.
Julianne’s Exclusive Boutique Coaching Service includes: Online Dating Consulting, Online Profile Writing and Professional Photography (to ensure clients present the best version of themselves), as well as Dating & Relationship Coaching.
When Matchmaking Julianne uses a highly individualized approach by conducting a selective search to help her clients find the relationship they desire and deserve!
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Location: Englewood Cliffs, NJSpecialties: Dating/Being Single Support, Grief/Loss, MatchmakingOther Articles/News by Julianne Cantarella:By Julianne Cantarella
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Strong Women: 4 Tips to Help You Drop the Guard

Are you married to your job and forgot how to be a woman?

How many of us – single professional women are married to our job (or business) and have become almost incompatible with the idea of having a life partner? We want to have a love relationship in our life, yet we are so far from it, it seems like a vague dream.

It took us a great deal of hard work to get where we are and now having reaped the fruit of our life-long journey we realize that we lost touch with our feminine side. Through the struggle we have become too strong, intimidating for a man; difficult to approach.
When did we come to the conclusion that emotions are not important? We forgot how to feel them. If we do get to feel them sometimes, we’ll make sure no one else can see us – we can’t show vulnerability.

Vulnerable – is something we can’t allow ourselves to be, because vulnerability exposes us to the king of all fears – the fear of failure. It is that fear that kept us moving forward conquering the world; establishing our social status.

What now? We became so good at this: driving, controlling, providing, protecting (ourselves and others). We are secretly yearning for someone to walk into our life and take this burden off our shoulders. We just want someone to take care of us; someone to give us permission to make mistakes, to let go of the need to control everything.

Ironically, men that we tend to attract are “the weaker type” – followers. We don’t ever get fully satisfied and still look for “a real man,” but when we get anywhere close to such man, we know we can’t be together – it’s so hard to allow losing even a fraction of control.

What’s the solution?

We have to get in touch with our feminine side. We have to loosen the need to be always right. We have to let ourselves make mistakes, be careless, be open and vulnerable. This is what makes us human. This is what will make a man be drawn to us – our human side, our feminine nature.

Drop the illusion that you’ll be able to impress him with your credentials – they may be impressive, but they will never create a draw for him. Just as you are secretly yearning for someone to take your burden from you, he is yearning for a relationship where he is the giver, the provider, the protector. Ultimately, this is what turns him on. You’ve always known that, haven’t you?

The question is: How to do that?

How can you undo decades of denying your feminine nature in struggle to excel in our power-driven world? This takes a transformation that will change your life experience. Here are some simple steps you can take to start:

1. Connect with your feelings. Allow yourself to feel your emotions to the fullest – all of them good and bad.

2. Allow yourself to be less than perfect at something and still enjoy doing it, focusing on the process rather than the end result. Fully embrace your imperfection, realize its essential quality to make you unique, human, lovable.

3. Practice asking for assistance and receiving. Question your desire to be self-sufficient. Create space for others to help you. Allow yourself to receive.

View the original article here