5 Behaviors that Could Sabotage your Budding Relationship[EXPERT]

ProConnect Subscribe to Experts Blog By Julianne Cantarella posted Jan 13th 2012 12:44PM
Newly Dating? Uncover 5 patterns of behavior that could sabotage your goal of finding love.
As a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and former therapist my job is to help clients uncover patterns of behavior that sabotage their goal of finding love. My specialty is preparing Singles over 40 to return to the dating world, date more mindfully, and gain the highest level of results in their dating lives. Having worked as a Dating Coach and Matchmaker since 2005, I have seen recurring themes in my clients that have sabotaged budding relationships. Here are the five biggest pitfalls I have noticed. I hope you keep them in mind so that you can be more mindful in your dating approach and be rewarded with the relationship you desire and deserve!
5 Behaviors to AVOID:
1) Believing that your date is your soul mate from first contact. We all want to believe in love at first sight, however, I would caution you to take dating slowly and allow your relationship to grow and develop naturally. You’ll only set yourself up for heartache if you believe you have connected with your soul mate after a few successful phone calls or your first few dates. The emotional component involved in the idea of a soul mate is enticing, but finding a few similarities in your lives is not enough foundation for a relationship. Be mindful a healthy relationship needs to be cultivated for it to flourish and grow.
2) Accepting anything about your date that does not match with your morals, values or vision of a relationship. If you find yourself questioning the morals, values (and possibly behavior) of your date, there is a high probability you are not a match. I would encourage you to evaluate your morals and values so that you are clear about what you want when it comes to your perspective match. I have seen clients so eager to form a relationship that they are willing to “settle” for someone who doesn’t share the same morals and values. Instead they create a fantasy, ignoring the differences. Don’t be fooled into believing “opposites attract”. That only holds true for interests, not for morals, values and vision of a relationship.
3) Becoming overly eager to push the relationship forward to gain a commitment regardless of where your partner is emotionally. When I first started out as a Dating Coach I would often find my clients engaging in this type of behavior. After a few of these experiences I came to realize why many of my clients were overly eager to “close the deal.” Most if not all of these clients came from long-term monogamous relationships and they wanted to get right back into that comfort zone. “Dating around” (not to be confused with sleeping around) is uncomfortable for many, but it’s a means to an end. If you focus your efforts on closing the deal, you might be distracted and miss possible red flags. Worse yet, you may scare your potential match away. Take things slowly and allow your relationship to develop naturally without being forced.
Dating Coach, Matchmaker, Relationship Coach, Social Worker, Speaker/Presenter
Julianne Cantarella, MSW, LSW is owner of The Courtship Coach a Boutique Date Coaching Company that prepares Singles over 40 return to dating OR date more mindfully to gain the highest level of results. When Coaching Julianne works one on one with her clients to help them identify the areas they struggle with both internally and externally and create a plan for positive change.
Julianne’s Exclusive Boutique Coaching Service includes: Online Dating Consulting, Online Profile Writing and Professional Photography (to ensure clients present the best version of themselves), as well as Dating & Relationship Coaching.
When Matchmaking Julianne uses a highly individualized approach by conducting a selective search to help her clients find the relationship they desire and deserve!
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Location: Englewood Cliffs, NJSpecialties: Dating/Being Single Support, Grief/Loss, MatchmakingOther Articles/News by Julianne Cantarella:By Julianne Cantarella
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Strong Women: 4 Tips to Help You Drop the Guard

Are you married to your job and forgot how to be a woman?

How many of us – single professional women are married to our job (or business) and have become almost incompatible with the idea of having a life partner? We want to have a love relationship in our life, yet we are so far from it, it seems like a vague dream.

It took us a great deal of hard work to get where we are and now having reaped the fruit of our life-long journey we realize that we lost touch with our feminine side. Through the struggle we have become too strong, intimidating for a man; difficult to approach.
When did we come to the conclusion that emotions are not important? We forgot how to feel them. If we do get to feel them sometimes, we’ll make sure no one else can see us – we can’t show vulnerability.

Vulnerable – is something we can’t allow ourselves to be, because vulnerability exposes us to the king of all fears – the fear of failure. It is that fear that kept us moving forward conquering the world; establishing our social status.

What now? We became so good at this: driving, controlling, providing, protecting (ourselves and others). We are secretly yearning for someone to walk into our life and take this burden off our shoulders. We just want someone to take care of us; someone to give us permission to make mistakes, to let go of the need to control everything.

Ironically, men that we tend to attract are “the weaker type” – followers. We don’t ever get fully satisfied and still look for “a real man,” but when we get anywhere close to such man, we know we can’t be together – it’s so hard to allow losing even a fraction of control.

What’s the solution?

We have to get in touch with our feminine side. We have to loosen the need to be always right. We have to let ourselves make mistakes, be careless, be open and vulnerable. This is what makes us human. This is what will make a man be drawn to us – our human side, our feminine nature.

Drop the illusion that you’ll be able to impress him with your credentials – they may be impressive, but they will never create a draw for him. Just as you are secretly yearning for someone to take your burden from you, he is yearning for a relationship where he is the giver, the provider, the protector. Ultimately, this is what turns him on. You’ve always known that, haven’t you?

The question is: How to do that?

How can you undo decades of denying your feminine nature in struggle to excel in our power-driven world? This takes a transformation that will change your life experience. Here are some simple steps you can take to start:

1. Connect with your feelings. Allow yourself to feel your emotions to the fullest – all of them good and bad.

2. Allow yourself to be less than perfect at something and still enjoy doing it, focusing on the process rather than the end result. Fully embrace your imperfection, realize its essential quality to make you unique, human, lovable.

3. Practice asking for assistance and receiving. Question your desire to be self-sufficient. Create space for others to help you. Allow yourself to receive.

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Should You Consider Outsourcing Your Blog Marketing

You’ve been keeping a pretty good blog, and you have a dedicated following that hangs on your every word, the problem is you haven’t reached that oh so fleeting point of critical mass. You’re considering outsourcing your blog marketing to an internet marketing firm, and if you’re the sole writer for your blog, this makes a good deal of sense, because if you’re not outsourcing your blog marketing, you’re taking some of your time away from content writing, and spending it on the article marketing, which won’t be good for your website’s popularity. As you know, a blog needs to have standout posts, but also needs to be kept current. That saying: but what have you done lately? As you know, it’s particularly pertinent to blogs and the internet.

Internet marketing is an entirely different beast than traditional marketing. With traditional marketing, you’re fussing over the finer points of color, layout, gloss or no gloss, feeling, emotion, etc. But in an era in which the hottest content is produced in 140 characters or less, real time is the default time, these finer points, it might be argued, aren’t so much less meaningful but: if you don’t get this finer point right the first time, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to get it right the next time. This is what real time means: it means that if you can’t get their attention this minute, everybody will have a chance to get the market’s attention the next minute. It also means being interesting has gotten a good deal harder to sustain on the internet. Think of the popular social networking sites from just a year ago; think about how we were socializing on the web just a year ago; think about how we weren’t socializing as much on the mobile web just a year ago. As a writer, your blog needs you to dedicate all of your time to honing the blogs voice and stature amongst your community; outsourcing your blog marketing is a must.

As editor, writer, and boss, you might not want to consider outsourcing your blog marketing. You might want to do it all on your own. But for the same reasons you don’t maintain your own server, you shouldn’t have to worry about maintaining the marketing apparatus—such as keeping you mentioned in the most appropriate blogs, getting you registered with the right aggregators, back linking, etc.—that your blog deserves.

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How to Get High Quality Writing from High Quality Writers

You’ve found just the right subject and topic to cover; you have the domain and the layout, now all you need are the right high quality article writers to provide the content. You could place an ad online, and go through the long arduous process of vetting, checking references, reading writing samples, negotiating employment terms, etc. Or you can purchase the work of high quality article writers off of an article writing service.

Most article writing services employ a human staff of editors and reviewers to ensure that the quality of the articles on their database are not only legitimately unique (not spun, not plagiarized), but inherently interesting. Content writing is an organic process, writers would say. And you can’t get good writing from computer formulas. You need a person. And like a song and singer’s voice, your site needs a person with a writing voice that is unique and interesting.

The analogy of a voice in high quality article writers is thoroughly apt. On the aesthetic level, words are actually instructions on verbal sounds that any person can make. And a good writer will have a writing voice that will be able to produce words in such a fashion that just sounds better than the rest. Then there’s the logical level of writing. It isn’t enough to have words fashioned in a lyrical way; these words have to construct statements that are thought provoking, interesting, and entertaining—otherwise, your site would stink.

A good professional writer will be able to produce content for you on a variety of topics, and will be able to produce on queue. But these talented writers are hard to find. You have a subject and a string of keywords that you’ve been following for a year now, and you know that the time is now to get this site up and running. You have the affiliates and the digital products to sell. You don’t have time to find this talent. An article writing service where you can buy unique articles written by writers with a unique writing voice is the solution. Most freshly launched sites launch with articles from outsourcers to start out with, and then, as the momentum in the traffic builds up, and the site begins to generate revenue, the operation’s able to justify expending resources on a staff of writers, at which point the hiring and recruiting process for the company’s own talent begins.

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